why, oh, why?

I just finished doing my work and was about to hit the sack when a sudden gush of mixed emotions ran through me. It was then followed by different thoughts that I couldn't describe or put into words yet. It's like a feeling of fear and anxiety topped with some feeling of insecurity. Gosh! I hate it when I feel this way. It seems like am losing touch of that inner child in me wherein I still get to be bubbly, happy and optimistic amidst the obstacles that I go through. Oh well, I think most people go through this stage once in a while. What's important is that you still keep yourself sane, right? Hahaha. Anyways, I guess am just stressed out and I need to take a relaxing (or make that, rejuvenating?) break. Despite all these mixed emotions, I still am grateful because I know that God is there to continue guiding me and giving me inspiration. I also have my love-ones (from family to relatives to friends) who I know I could count on. :)

am sad... dunno why...

i feel sooooo sad today but i don't know why... i'm probably missing someone or expecting that someone to do something for me... waaaaahhh... confusing, right? me, too... i'm confused with what i'm feeling right now... i'm just sad... or feeling lonely, perhaps? dunno... hopefully, i'll feel better soon... i guess i just need to close my eyes and take 10 deep breaths for me to feel fine, hehehe... i hope that works... :-<

10 Things I Miss About Him

It's actually been 10 days since that day when we've decided to lead our separate lives, hoping that it was for the best. But, it's just now that everything is sinking in. I have tried to be strong and optimistic for the past days thinking that everything will be fine... That someday our roads will meet again... That our love for each other will not change even if we're away from each other... Maybe I felt that way because we promised to still remain as friends no matter what. However, today, I felt something different. I no longer feel confident nor optimistic about it. Instead, I now experience the fear and pain of losing him. Only God knows what is instored for the two of us. As much as I try to slowly let go and move on, it's just soooo difficult. I may not be ready yet. I don't really know. All I know for now is that I miss him soooo much... That I wanna be with him... I wanna believe that this is just a bad dream and that everything will be back to normal when I wake up. It's just too sad though because I know that this isn't just a dream. It's the reality. So I have to slowly pick up the pieces of my life and try to make it whole again...

As I try to do that, I can't help but reminisce about the things I miss about him. Maybe because those are part of the pieces that I have to put together. I really miss everything about him but just decided to enumerate the 10 things that stand out. And, here it goes...

I miss those times...

10. When he goes to the office after my shift so he could fetch me and bring me home safely.

9. When he gives me a single long-stemmed red rose after my shift. It wasn't always but he did it a few times; and, it usually happened during those days when I feel stressed out at work. He never fails to surprise me or brighten up my day.

8. When he goes to the office in the morning after his shift just to bring me some food since he knows that I rarely eat breakfast.

7. When he visits me at home, we sometimes sit down on the grass under a starry and peaceful sky and just talk like there's no tomorrow, hehe.

6. When he sings the song that he dedicated to me.

5. When he sacrifices a few minutes (or hours) of his sleep just to chat with me or be with me.

4. When he comforts me by hugging me tight everytime I feel down.

3. When he pampers me like a baby and treats like a princess depending on the situation, hehe.

2. When we go to church together, he sits beside me and just hold my hand as we intently hear mass.

1. When he looks me in the eye and tells me how much he loves me with all warmth and sincerity.

Hahay... I can only reminisce for now... I don't even know if these things will happen again... Only God knows...

*sigh*

simply difficult

What is it? You might ask...

Well...

When you have to do something even if you don't want to. When you have to be firm with your decision thinking that it would be best for the two of you even if your heart bleeds. When you have to be strong even if you've lost strength to do so. When you have to be whole even if you're still shattered.

That's just simply difficult.

:'(

feeling blue

There are just a lot of things that cross my mind right now (or make that for the past few days). I can't put them into words yet because I don't even know where to begin. All I know is that as of this moment I am feeling sad and lonely. I hope and pray that God will guide me through this... That by tomorrow a smile will light upon my face... That everything will be fine again... That my mind will be put at ease... Hopefully... With God's grace...

Oh well, time for me to tuck myself to bed as I still have work tomorrow. Wish me luck that I'll be able to have a good night's rest.

Until then!

the warrior is a child

Today, with a lot of things rushing through my mind, all I could think of was a song from Gary Valenciano entitled The Warrior is a Child. I just feel so drained and so torn right now. I don't know what to do or what to think of. It's just that at this point I could totally relate to the song. No matter how strong or brave you are, there are times that you just wanna seek refuge and find solitude especially if you've been through some pain and hurt. People may see you as someone courageous yet they don't know what you really go through just to face your own personal battles. Only your closest friends or relatives would know. But at times, you don't even want to share it with them because you don't want them to get burdened by it. So there's only one person whom you can rely and that is God. He sees everything that you experience; read what is in your mind; and feel what is in your heart. With Him, you can just surrender everything, be weak for a moment and just find refuge...

For those who are not familiar with the song, here is the lyrics:

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

And they don't know
that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know
who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

And they don't know
that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know
who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

And they don't know
that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know
who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

And for those who haven't heard it yet, you can find the video in YouTube.

This song has somewhat inspired me that I always have someone to count on and that I could always seek for solitude every time I feel down...